Haruka Tenou energy, chilly sporty musk. Willowy sapphic athletics. Crisp androgynous elegance in fluttering white tennis shorts. Ginger brightness competing against vetiver earthiness, canceling each other out, whittling down to dank earthworm glow. A weakened Sailor Uranus attack - Minor Phosphorescent Subterranean Flicker! or Weakened Subsoil Incandescence Rustle! or something like that! Muted radiance, cool, composed, understated power...or not even power exactly. Powered up, but on a dimmer switch.

Experimental Perfume Club's Velvet Incense is giving the melted-down essence of an entire perfume collection in a cauldron - harmonized, reduced, cohesive. Waterhouse's The Magic Circle, that vaporous pillar of smoke rising from glowing depths, flames crackling with magic and power. In my book The Art of Fantasy, I admired this work, noting the conspiracy of ravens looking on with menacing curiosity from beyond the symbolic ring, the landscape glowering claustrophobically with ominous intent...but inside the circle, equilibrium. Ambery cedar exhaling cool, crisp pepperiness; not "spiced" heat but sharp, bright, almost mentholated edge cutting through resinous warmth. Muted, velveteen ambery-sandalwoody sweetness, thick and plush, wrapping around that cedar spine like soft fabric pulled taut. Everything finds its place in the spell. My perfume cabinet already smells like this, which means I don't need this fragrance... but also means I absolutely understand its appeal.

Have you ever been eating chocolate, maybe some single-origin, maybe Ecuadorian chocolate, so intensely dark and aromatically bitter with like zero percent cocoa butter and no sugar? It really doesn't even taste like chocolate anymore, it's a bit punitive actually (but in an okay way?) And you thought, hey, you know what this chocolate needs is a few grinds, twenty or so, from the teakwood pepper grinder, spicy and textured and gritty. A handful of cedar shavings, bright and dry and papery. A new pair of high-quality, stiff leather boots. I certainly never thought that either, so I guess that makes two of us, and shame on us for our profound lack of vision. Because this is both rich and austere, intense and accessible, and there's also an additional salty balsamic smokiness that makes it really, really interesting.

My immediate reaction of Prophecy: "this is an incense for the GIRLIES." Not austere or monastic or churchy or smoky-sacred; this is more of a "burn this stuff in the background of your IG reels while Hozier sings something brooding about desire and divinity and you arrange rose quartz crystals on your nightstand" vibe. Pastel tarot deck spirituality. De-saturated dragon's blood. A dreaming without a dreamer, that ethereal mystical atmosphere floating free, no deep spiritual practice required. An outer light reflected or an inner light unveiled, either way it's been retouched for social media, aesthetic enlightenment run through a vintage Lightroom filter. Creamy, almost fruity, almost floral incense—except not quite incense; aureate suffusion that smells like how luxe body cream feels. Whipped honey vibe; you could take a juicy bite of this tawny chunk of resin. Baby's first incense, but I can see how it becomes A Whole Vibe, build an entire aesthetic around it. The DSH site notes that it's a bestseller, which makes perfect sense...it works well enough for what it's trying to be, but it's too sweet, too fluffy for me. My prophecies need a bit more doom and gloom.

Seminalis conjures a malodorous nebula of intentional discomfort - woody-musky, creamy-milky amberette-sandalwood that chokes every molecule of breathable air in your personal bubble. Suffocating, claustrophobic, the insidious intrusion of someone who knows exactly how close is too close and crosses that line anyway, transforming intimate proximity into a power play through malice and deliberate predation. This isn't the primal biological magnetism Orto Parisi's marketing suggests, but something far more sinister and actually far more gross - not the stench but the suffocating whiff of someone crowding your personal space. The creep who leans in too close and calls it magnetism, who calls your discomfort 'tension' and your retreat "playing hard to get." Someone who corners you against walls in small spaces, follows too closely on the street, continues conversations you're clearly trying to end. Someone who remembers details you never shared, shows up where you are "coincidentally." Someone who gets off on violating boundaries because they've learned that making people squirm can feel like power, who frames invasion as intimacy and calls obsession devotion.

A little burlap sack of herbs, a little spell-bag, green, dry, peppery, sharp, that you tucked in the back of your freezer for safe-keeping. You forgot it entirely and found it freeze-dried and iced over hidden by a bag of peas years later and just in the corner beyond it, you see something strange. A shimmering-glimmering fissure, a glowing rift. What appears to be a portal in the very back of your frigidaire. Sea salt air wafts cleanly from it, cerulean waves dazzling in the far distance (is it ocean or alien horizon? unclear) and most peculiar, sandy pathy lined densely with something very much the shape of pine trees, fragrant boughs heavy with gleaming drifts of snow.

The phrase "fresh and clean" makes my skin crawl, probably because I associate it with people who make cleanliness feel like a personality trait, who turn basic hygiene into aspirational lifestyle content, who kind of make you feel like a slob just by existing. Meanwhile, I hate to shower (I do it, but I don't like a single second of it!) and generally resent having to participate in hygiene theater; the whole thing is exhausting. Wood and Absinth sidesteps this entire obnoxious charade. Saponified anise, woody-soapiness that hits the sweet spot of ease; herbal bitterness like the toothpaste I'd choose because mint grosses me out, because the sight of someone working gum in their mouth makes me want to puke, because what's wrong with breath that smells like bagels and lox anyway. This is uncomplicated, which I mean as praise—not complex, not trying to conjure memories or transport you somewhere else, just a reliable background scent for everyday wearing when I don't want to think about it, but I also want something that smells like me. Wood, water, bitter leaves; simple, straightforward ingredients that coalesce in a scent that is ....what would I call this? An unfussy staple, slightly elevated? A functional fragrance, unembellished but not boring? This is a competent perfume that might benefit from a less clunky summation, but I'm not sure if a fragrance that's merely competent deserves much more work on my part.

Iced lemon slices in a cut glass bowl, encased in ice; fresh, crisp herbs soaking in ice water, subtle as a lacy front or two. The memory of a glass of sweet white wine, a honeyed, floral Gewürztraminer wisp; round, rich, luscious, and strangely absent for all its suggestion. Somewhere between charming and refreshing, gentle with a glint in its eye; Not overly polite yet definitely inoffensive, nothing weird you can put your finger on, but there's a phantom shimmer, a flickering presence, an impossible-to-name thing, which makes it either perfectly frustrating or frustratingly perfect.

Marissa Zappas Carnival of Souls An involuntary grimace quickly smoothed into polite blankness, a gagging masked by a throat-clearing. "Is everything ok?" "Oh, it's nothing, I'm fine" and proceeds to throw up in mouth just a little, not too obvious. Honeyed floral cream turning sour, saffron like dried grass mixed into warm milk that's started to separate. Coconut cream sweet and plasticky with oddly-spiced grave dirt patchouli sediment settling at the bottom. An eerie seriousness that doesn't land and instead evokes a wobbling, wonky naiveté, dewy-eyed and desperate so much as to be repellent. I've found everything I have tried from Marissa Zappas too subtle, too fleeting, stories in which the characters and plots are instantly forgettable, leaving you wondering if anything ever happened at all. Carnival of Souls continues this pointless parade of almost-perfumes.

Cold, coiled, calculating. A soupçon of weaponized sweetness. Wilhelmina Slater corner office with floor-to-ceiling glass walls, fashion dungeon once her interior decorator works their dark magic. Absinthe-laced champagne vanilla, green and subtly herbaceous, aromatic poison in crystal stemware. Dusty-woody-musky shadows, slithery spice as hissed barbs between bathroom stalls. Mean girls who devoured high school bones and all, used losers' broken phalanges to pick their teeth; earned their MBAs in rancid witch she-devilry and leveled up into the cuntiest of lady bosses; perfected the art of smiling while sliding knives between ribs and stabbing square in the middle of the back while smiling with their perfect veneers. Creamy almond undertones, just enough sweetness to mask bitter herbs. Fake pleasantries/ menacing undercurrent, espionage in every conversation, veiled threats disguised as small talk. How's business this quarter? How are your kids? I'll cut a bitch. I'll strike when you least expect it. More canapés?