I will admit I have a bit of a soft spot for the original Boss Bottled. Owning the Intense version which is miles better, I feel no need to own a bottle of this but such a classic scent profile can’t just be forgotten. There’s something ever so comforting and nostalgic about this scent despite the poor quality. It’s dominated by this intensely juicy yet synthetic apple accord which comes across like a cheap chemical, and yet I quite like it. Contrasted by the spiciness of cinnamon and the warmth of vanilla and you’re left with something rather cosy and alluring, whilst at the same time boyish and adolescent. As I said I will always respect Boss Bottled for creating such a classic and widely identifiable scent profile. It’s not a scent I would often wear as the quality definitely lets it down, and yet the cheapness of it lends to its iconic spotlight.

I admit that Phantom Parfum is an improvement over the original Phantom, which is to say the most apt example of ‘polishing a turd’ in existence. Overall this is still just an awfully bad scent, but they’ve made it not quite so awful as the previous iteration. It’s definitely still all about that sickly sweet synthetic vanilla with the barbaric harsh chemical nature of fake lavender. However, there’s a smoothness of cardamom which helps round everything out a bit better. By god it’s still horrifically screechy and messy, but at least there’s some improvement - that’s the best you can hope for from Paco Rabanne. I simply don’t understand why Phantom even exists, who actually enjoys this? It honestly feels like a child slapped this together without even trying.

After owning a vintage bottle of Femme Parfum, I was curious to see how the modern formulation held up as I’d never tried it. I blind bought a bottle of the EDT, and unfortunately it was a bitter disappointment to put it bluntly. The vintage version revolves around the beautifully soft, smooth and seductive composition of creamy oakmoss and dark leather alongside cinnamon and sweet plum. The current EDT has completely lost the oakmoss and the leather, and seemingly the cinnamon too. This can only be described as a cumin bomb, it’s absolutely overpowering with the only saving grace being the sweet plum in the background. I’m not sure where this cumin has come from, this doesn’t smell anything like the original. You might as well save your money and cover yourself in curry powder rather than buy this, or better yet just find yourself a vintage bottle which is a masterpiece.

What a useless release, honestly what is the point of this scent even existing. Okay it doesn’t smell bad, fair enough, but this has got to be one of the most boring scents I’ve ever come across. As soon as you smell it you’ve instantly forgotten it. I will never understand how they’ve managed to make vanilla smell like shower gel. Oh unless they just bombarded the composition with a barrage of sickly chemicals that they found in the garbage of the local pharmacy. That will be it. This is simply just a bad fragrance. What happened to the iconic ingenuity of the original Boss Bottled, when did they lose their way so much?

I’ll be honest, if TikTok hadn’t hyped this scent up to death, I don’t think Le Male Elixir would be nearly as popular as it is. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t smell ‘bad’ but I wouldn’t say it smells good either, it just feels lifeless. I’ve never been a huge fan of Jean Paul Gaultier, but Le Male Le Parfum I quite enjoyed. This scent feels like they took everything good about that fragrance, and mixed it with 1 Million or something. It’s just an overload of synthetically sweet and plasticky vanilla and nothing else. There’s no interest present here, it’s simply a cash grab designed to capture the attention of teenagers with a flashy bottle, which I must say is hideously tacky. Overall this is just a bad release in my opinion.

I don’t even know what to say about Born in Roma Intense, how did we get here? What happened to the gorgeously seductive and sophisticated allure of the original Valentino Uomo? It seems the brand has lost all creativity and ingenuity unfortunately. You can look at the note breakdown all you want, it’s just marketing. The scent doesn’t smell even remotely similar to what the notes suggest, it’s just an explosion of messy synthetic aroma chemicals going down the path of harsh and screechy shower gel. There’s no rhyme or reason behind the composition. It feels like this fragrance was slapped together with the cheapest possible ingredients by a 5 year old. I honestly cannot fathom how such a poor scent can be so popular.

The original Bal a Versailles has been a firm love of mine for a long time now, earning a strong place in my top 5 for life. The Eau de Cologne was a blind buy for me and I was worried it would be a redundant purchase, I have never been so happy to be wrong. This iteration of the scent follows the same overall scent profile of urinous civet, thick balsams and warm amber. However, the overall feel is much brighter, softer and very airy - this is much more wearable and versatile than the standard parfum or EDT. The ylang shines blissfully like shimmering sparkles of sunlight, alongside soft powdery white florals which brighten up the dark filth laying beneath. There’s also a noticeable prominence of Vetiver here, giving the scent a refreshing touch of green earthiness. I adore this perfume, it’s simply glorious. I don’t think it’s obsolete to own this as well as the original, as this is far more wearable in the warmer months despite not straying too far from the original scent profile. The EDC and parfum are definitely closely related, but simply lean towards different aspects of the creative idea. The parfum envisions the scent of a 17th century ball at the Versailles palace, whereas this scent conjures the same idea but perhaps held in the summery gardens of said palace.

Roja is not known for making particularly oud-heavy scents, but this is something else. This is rich, dense, raw and primal at its core whilst maintaining an incredibly smooth and sophisticated allure about it. Majestic, is the perfect word to describe this phenomenal scent. Upon initial spray I pick up the thick, musky and slightly sour cheesy oud which reminds me ever so slightly of the oud used in Oud Noir Intense by FDB. This is elevated by the green aromatic herbaceous strength of rosemary and patchouli before the cypriol starts to take over. As this begins to settle on the skin, the surge of oily cypriol dominates the senses - in a strange way it feels almost apple-ey, reminding me of Frederic Malle’s Promise. The muskiness is furthered by sharp civet and dirty castoreum which compliments the earthy nature of the scent beautifully. There’s a lot going on here but essentially it boils down to a cypriol bomb which feels very unconventional for a Roja creation, in a good way. I can understand why this was discontinued: if not for changing regulations on certain materials, but for the fact that this scent is a brave step away from what Roja’s usual clientele is used to. I do not agree with the statements others have made saying that Roja has tried to substitute using real oud by replacing it with cypriol. It is clear to my nose that whilst yes the oud is subtle, the cypriol is there as its own individual - not a substitute. This is one of the greatest cypriol scents I’ve ever come across but of course it’s not worth the insane prices it’s being sold for these days. I was very lucky to find a low partial at a good price.

Rochas Femme is a timeless masterpiece and one of the all time greatest perfumes ever created in my opinion. I have a vintage bottle of the parfum and it’s just glorious in every way. Immediately you’re whisked away by the warm spiciness of cinnamon and clove, contrasted by a juicy yet dry combination of peach and plum. That iconic floral medley in the heart soon begins to shine, with carnation at the forefront like so many other great chypres. All of this lends to a generous dose of creamy oakmoss and smooth leather resting on a warm amber base, creating one of the most refined and comforting scents I’ve ever had the pleasure of smelling. It’s skanky and lustrous despite no animalics being listed, wearing it makes you feel oh so empowered and attractive. With this scent, Edmond Roudnitska took the idea of a classical leathery, mossy Chypre and amped it up a whole bunch. Rochas Femme took the idea of a fruity, spicy take on Chypre introduced by Mitsouko, and elevated it to something far better in my opinion. I adore this.